Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
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[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
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I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
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You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
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Yaba daba do not resuscitate
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me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
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Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
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*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
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Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
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Must be nice.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
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Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
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ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait