HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
You Might Also Like
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I unironically love this joke.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long