Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
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My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream