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According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
bought wrong eggs
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
there’s probably a fee though
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
How dramatic are you?
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.