Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
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Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage