YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
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Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.