I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
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Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…