The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
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Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
#Caturday
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?