instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
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Milk Cube
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?