This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
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Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Good boy 😂😂
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂