ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
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[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.