4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
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Dolls on drugs
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running