I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
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“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.