ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
You Might Also Like
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff