Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
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7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.