I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
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hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
anyone else like Italian cereal
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop