what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
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friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
When news reporters do sports stories
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.