I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
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My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene