things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
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Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality