I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
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The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you