You Might Also Like
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.