My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
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Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Not today.. 😂
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.