Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
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me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.