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At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
[shakes fist at other fist]
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat