The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
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I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Worst bar ever.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish