Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
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These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Godspeed, John Glenn
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.