At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
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So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
New comic up. “Ransom”
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
my first dose meeting my second
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”