Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
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Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait