i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
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[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
plums roundup
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.