I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
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I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*