ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
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Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?