[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
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No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”