What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
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There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.