BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
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Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?