I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
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Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
🤣🤣🤣
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.