[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
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Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
#inspiration #foodforthought
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.