I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
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COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!