[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
You Might Also Like
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.