If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
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*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him