SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
You Might Also Like
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help