Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
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*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
decorating my apartment
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Matt Goss
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Saturday
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Go girl power!
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]