The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
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Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.