Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
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If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Ugh but profoundly
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
The Punning Dead.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Breaking news:
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.