“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
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The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55