teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
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I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else