if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
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English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.