This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
You Might Also Like
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Start the year as you intend to continue.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
No chill.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child