i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
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Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Friends that check up on you >
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity