It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
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My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I can fix him.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA