Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
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we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
marvel comics have peaked
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me